


Into the Cave

by AidanChase



Series: That Good Good HP AU [5]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Gen, Unreliable Narrator, phoenix fire gauntlet, taako finds the umbra staff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 23:13:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11747196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AidanChase/pseuds/AidanChase
Summary: Taako is not a fan of his co-workers.





	Into the Cave

**Author's Note:**

> So, yes, the plot of this is like, super similar to Here There Be Gerblins, but there's small nuances and stuff that I think make it interesting in this universe. Like, no Fandolin or whatever the spelling is.

Taako felt something squish under his boot and his lip curled in disgust as he checked his shoes. This cave was disgusting. This job was disgusting. He wanted to return to his nice, safe desk underneath the Ministry of Magic. He should never have accepted the Minister’s offer of a job transfer, no matter how much more money she’d promised him. This was not worth it. Not to mention how much he hated his new co-workers.

“I did carpentry for a while. It was fun — better than pottery,” Magnus Burnsides was saying as he squinted through the dark tunnel. “What did you do before the Minister recruited you?”

Taako didn’t understand why Magnus was with them if Magnus could not even perform a spell as simple as a Wand-Lighting Charm. Was he some sort of Squib? And what would a Squib even be doing in the Department of Mysteries? None of this team the Minister had put together made sense to him.

“I taught at Hogwarts for a while,” said Merle Highchurch. He raised his wand, though he could not reach very high, trying to provide Magnus with a little more light. 

“Really? You worked at Hogwarts? I don’t remember you. What did you teach? And when?”

“Herbology. But then I got married, had my own kids to deal with, moved on to work at St. Mungo’s. Steady job, boring as hell.”

“You’re married?”

“I was.”

Taako was just mustering up the effort to interject into the conversation, nothing especially clever, but perhaps a comment about his boyfriend might make them uncomfortable enough to shut-up, when there was a shout from down the hall. 

“Hey! Help!”

“Think it’s her?” Magnus asked.

“How many other witches do you think have gone missing in this cave, hunting magical relics?” Taako shook the mud off of his boots. “It’s probably her.”

“We’d better hurry.”

But Taako didn’t hurry much of anywhere, least of all for work. While Magnus rushed forward, Merle close behind him, Taako sauntered down the tunnel. He could’ve spent this afternoon back at his desk reading a book and slacking off instead of here, in this stupid, dark, slimy tunnel, chasing down some ridiculously powerful magical item that would probably get them all killed.

“Ah,” another voice echoed down the tunnel, “what a fantastic development! We have guests, dear.”

This was not the woman’s voice from earlier, and his curiosity got the better of him. Taako quickened his pace — not enough to appear eager — but enough.

When he walked out of the tunnel and into a new cavern, he had to blink to adjust to the new phosphorescent glow from the crystals in the walls. 

“Oh, a third guest, how exciting! We should make a place at the table for all of them.”

First, Taako saw the enormous doors on the opposite side of the wall, embedded into the rock wall of the cavern. Then, he saw the tall, robed wizard, standing a few yards away, between the doors and Taako’s party. To the right was a very large woman, pinned to the ground — or perhaps she was just encased in a large amount of spider webbing.

“Let her go,” Magnus said, “and we’ll leave here in peace.”

“Hm, and what are you, a Muggle?” The wizard leaned against a tall, black staff. He glanced over all three of them. “Ah, at least one proper-looking wizard,” he smiled and nodded at Taako, presumably because Taako’s robes were edged in gold, and his hat glittered in the phosphorescent light.

“Listen,” Taako said, “we’re just here for work, okay? Our boss said we had to get the witch back, and there’s a thing we’re supposed to look for, but honestly, let’s just take the witch and go, right?”

“Ah, so you were sent after the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet? The Minister for Magic sent the three of you?” He laughed. “Darling, you must know she’s a fool.”

Magnus glanced at Merle and Taako, Taako presumed to try to confirm they were all surprised. Taako tried not to show it, but yes, he was surprised. The Minister hadn’t warned them someone else might be here looking for the gauntlet, someone who knew what it was and could speak its name. They had only been told that Killian had run into trouble retrieving the gauntlet and needed help.

“Look,” Taako said, and spread his hands, “you can call the Minister a fool, and you can call me Darling if you want, though I must warn you, I think I’m spoken for right now, but I didn’t catch your name.”

“It’s Brian, Darling. Are you really taken? Your voice is lovely; I could listen to it all night.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere, but no, I’m pretty well-engaged — well, not engaged, but pretty well-involved in someone right now.”

“Great,” said Merle, “so if you two are done flirting, can we get the witch and the gauntlet?”

“Oh, no,” Brian shook his head, “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.”

“Cool, we’re doing it anyway.” Taako drew his wand from his robes, quick as he could, and pointed it at the woman. In a flash of fire, the webbing burned away, and she dropped to the floor. She truly was as large as she had looked under the mountain of sticky goo, shoulders broader than even Magnus’s, robes only slightly singed by Taako’s spell. She landed on her hands and knees, but Taako did not see her reach for a wand. Presumably, if she was a captive, she’d been properly disarmed.

Taako was just about to tell Magnus to take cover, since he was wandless, when Brian waved his wand. A large acromantula was Summoned into the chamber. A shiver went down Taako’s spine — giant spiders were not his favorite thing, but he did know how to fight them. Taako saw the color drain from Magnus’s face, but to the man’s credit, his feet did not move an inch away from the fight.

“I got the spider,” he said, though Taako heard his voice quiver. “You take Brian.” And Magnus rushed at the spider.

Taako watched Merle wave his wand, shout, “ _Somnum Dormin_ ,” but nothing happened.

Of course Taako was going to have to carry this fight. The Minister for Magic really was an idiot, sending someone like him into a quest like this, with two incompetent wizards, if Magnus even was a wizard.

With another sharp jab of his wand, Taako launched three bright shots of light at Brian, who took them straight to the chest. The wizard stumbled backwards, hand over his robes where the bolts had struck him. He didn’t seem particularly bothered, though.

“That was very rude,” he said, “and very cute. You want to see what this spell can really do?”

And Taako did see, for a brief moment, a bright flash of light, before everything went dark.

——— ——— ———

Taako didn’t really dream anymore. He didn’t know when he had stopped dreaming, just one day he realized it had been a long time since he’d dreamed anything at all. 

There were mornings since his experience with the amortentia that he woke and thought his house was on fire, only to realize the burning smell was his imagination, but if he tried to pull anything else from the dream, he found it impossible.

It was like tuning into a radio signal that no longer existed.

——— ——— ———

Taako woke to Magnus looming over him, and a the taste of a bittersweet healing potion on his lips. He had the impression Magnus had just said something emotional, something horribly sincere, and he decided not to ask what it had been.

“Did we win?” Taako asked.

“I got the spider,” Magnus said, “but uh, Brian over there is still —” 

“I got the spider!” Merle shouted.

“I ripped it’s leg off!” Magnus shouted back.

“I crushed it!”

“The rock crushed it!”

“The rock that I Conjured!”

“The rock that Killian threw!”

Taako pushed Magnus aside, tired of this argument, and feeling much more alive, as if the potion had stitched some interior burns closed, and stood. He aimed his wand at Brian and shouted, “Abraca-fuck-you!”

Which was not the incantation for the spell, but Taako was good at wordless spells, and had no trouble casting while talking. He’d learned it at school. Duelling had been one of his favorite activities, and it was always more fun to duel your partners if you could trash-talk while you spell-cast. Now it was just one of those skills he only used when fights were particularly frustrating, because it contradicted the lazy and ineffective spell-caster he tried so hard to be.

The light that shot from his wand was hotter and brighter than his first attempt, fueled by irritation and better concentration. They struck Brian directly in the chest, and the wizard crumpled into the dirt.

The large witch they’d rescued, Killian, the Minister had said her name was, rushed forward and stomped on his fallen body. Then she leaned down and snatched up what was presumably her own wand. She pointed it at Brian — “No — please — don’t —” but Brian’s please were useless. The wizard’s body burst into flame. It burned hot white for a only a moment, then crumbled into ash.

“Hachi-machi.” Taako frowned, and made a mental note not to get on the wrong side of this witch.

“Uh — did you just… murder him?” Magnus asked.

“That’s what I was sent to do. Didn’t the Minister tell you why I was down here?”

Merle shook his head. “She said, uh —” He looked to Taako and Magnus, “What did she say, again?”

“To find Killian and retrieve the gauntlet,” Magnus said. “Didn’t say anything about other wizards.”

“I’m a Hit Wizard,” Killian said, and walked up to the enormous brass doors. She looked up at them, then pressed her wand against the seam between the two doors. The joint glowed bright blue. “Brian used to work for the Department of Mysteries, and he was the one sent after the gauntlet first. I was sent to take him out when it became clear he wanted the gauntlet for his own interests. We can’t let that happen. We can’t have another war on our hands.” The glowing on the doors faded, and she turned and glared at the three of them. Taako guessed she was daring them to try to take the gauntlet for themselves.

“No need to worry about that from us, sugar queen,” Taako said.

“Big guy, give me a hand,” Killian said, and motioned to the doors.

“You got it!” Magnus agreed cheerfully, as if Killian had not just threatened to murder them all.

Killian took one of the large iron wrought doors, and Magnus took the other. Together, they pulled it open. The doors were especially heavy, and moved very slowly. Both Magnus and Killian had to put all their strength into getting them open wide enough to fit through.

They made an opening only a few feet wide, just enough for Killian and Magnus to fit through sideways, just enough for Taako to squeeze through, behind Merle of course.

These large doors opened up into another tunnel, though this one wasn’t nearly as long as the last, and was lit with the same phosphorescent crystals. It provided the cave with an eerie glow, and made the plain granite doors at the end look ghostly. Magnus and Killian pulled these doors open with far less effort than the last two.

The room they walked into was empty, save for a door with a very intricate lock system. Taako supposed if he were hiding a valuable relic he was afraid could destroy the world, he’d hide it somewhere like this, deep in a cave, behind a complicated lock. Or maybe he would just fire it into space, like a Muggle rocketship.

While Magnus, Killian, and Merle approached the door to examine the lock, something caught the corner of Taako’s eye. Beside the door they had just come from rested a skeleton. It didn’t look like it had died in agony, really. Its back was against the wall, head tipped forward, legs folded up beneath it. It was wearing a red robe, draped loose over its bones, falling into the cracks of its ribs, bunched around its joints. Sticking out from the folds of cloth was a the handle of a cane.

“Hey, Merle,” Taako shouted. “What do you make of this?”

Merle came trotting over, and with him, Magnus, who Taako had pointedly not called over. He wanted someone with actual magical skill to look over this skeleton. And if Merle had worked at St. Mungo’s, maybe he had more insight about what may have happened here.

“Looks like a skeleton,” Merle said. “Hm, see these black markings on the spine? And this tear?” He pointed to a rip in the roll of fabric near the skeleton’s lower back. Taako was honestly surprised Merle could see it so close to the wall, but then again, Merle was shorter than most wizards. “Silver point poison. Spreads quick, rots the flesh off the bones in a week. Hardly ever leaves a trace, unless it nicks deep.”

“That cane,” said Magnus. “Something — I think it’s magical.”

Taako frowned. He didn't sense any magic coming off the handle. Surely Magnus —

Merle reached for the cane, and as his hand wrapped around the handle, electricity shot in arcs off of the handle, and Merle was thrown backwards, into the opposite wall.

“What are you jokers doing back there?” Lillian shouted at them.

Taako gritted his teeth. He was not letting some magical weapon that even practically-Muggle-Magnus could sense go to waste. He gripped the handle as Merle had, with surety and confidence. He felt it's power course through him, and electricity shot from the handle, but it did not force Taako away. He smelled something burning, though his clothes were unsinged by the electricity. As he pulled it away from the skeleton, he found that it was not a cane at all, but rather, he was now holding the handle of an umbrella. And it did not reject him as it had Merle.

“What the fuck is going on over there?” Killian said.

The lightning stopped flashing. Taako pulled the robe from the skeleton to wrap the umbrella in. As he did, the bones clattered to the floor. Taako did not have much fear of the undead, or much fear of anything, but he felt certain the head of the skeleton looked in his direction as it fell. Hastily, he shoved the umbrella into one of the extended pockets within his robe.

“Let’s get a move-on,” he said.

Killian stared at him from her place beside the locked door.

“It’s not the gauntlet,” he snapped. “If it's one of the stupid relics, I’ll hand it in, but otherwise, I’m keeping this thing.”

“It better not be a relic.” Killian pointed her finger at him, and Taako pretended to be indifferent, despite how truly terrified he was of Killian’s wrath. “Those things have a power you guys don’t understand. The Minister told you about the thrall, didn’t she? It’s why I was sent to kill Brian. There’s no coming back from that. And taking out those who fall victim to it is my job.”

The Minister for Magic had warned them about the powerful temptation of the relics they’d been employed to hunt. She had not, however, mentioned that there were Hit Wizards assigned specifically to hunt down those who abused the relics. Or, in Brian’s case, tried to steal the relics for themselves.

“We can deal with the lightning umbrella later,” Magnus said, “when we figure out if it’s a relic or not. Right now, we need to get into this vault.”

“I’m fine, by the way, thanks for asking,” Merle said. He stood up with a groan and dusted off his robes.

It took a lot of arguing, a few explosive spells, and one surprisingly well-cast charm from Merle, who explained it only as a “family secret spell we’ve been teaching for generations; I dunno, it just looked like one of the doors in my great-grandad’s attic.”

Inside the vault, there was absolutely nothing — well almost nothing. The entire vault was made of polished black glass, and in the center was a statue — or corpse — of a wizard about Merle’s height, hand stretched in the air, burned completely black, wearing a silver, ruby-studded gauntlet.

“We found it!” Magnus said, and immediately rushed forward and high-fived the gauntlet. He was blasted backwards with a burst of flame. He landed hard on the glass floor and slid another five five. With a grunt, he pushed himself back to his feet. “Alright, maybe don’t do that.”

“Yeah, nice going, dipshit,” Taako muttered. “Don’t think we needed to test that one.”

“Do you guys feel that?” Killian asked. Her foot took a step closer to the gauntlet, and it was Merle who put a hand on her waist.

“Listen, kiddo, maybe you want to step out of the room? You said these things are powerful, so I’m guessing —”

“How do you three not feel it?”

Taako could feel it, but he didn’t feel as strongly drawn to it as Killian seemed to be. Neither Magnus nor Merle seemed bothered by the gauntlet either.

Taako tried to cast the Summoning Charm on the glove to bring it closer to himself without touching it, but the glove didn’t react. He frowned. He had no interest in ending up like Magnus, blasted backwards by flame, but there didn’t seem to be anyway to get the glove back to the Ministry. Why hadn’t the Minister given them anything to contain the glove in? Taako was growing increasingly annoyed with the Minister and this assignment. He was quitting as soon as they got back to the office.

“Welp, I’m out of ideas,” Taako said. “Let’s go back and call it a day.”

“We got all the way here,” said Magnus. “We can’t quit now. What if like, we touch it gently?”

“What like, caress it?” asked Merle.

“Yeah! Or maybe — maybe wrap it in something.”

Killian took another step forward, more aggressively this time. Merle tried pushing her backwards, but she was a lot bigger and stronger. Magnus grabbed her shoulder.

“Maybe Merle’s right,” Magnus said, “and you should wait outside?”

Killian looked at each of them. “How do I know you won’t just take it for yourselves?” There was an edge in her voice now, something darker.

“Okay, that’s it for you.” Magnus started pushing her towards the door, with Merle’s help. “Taako, the gauntlet is all you.”

Taako threw an irritated look at Magnus and Merle as they shoved Killian out the door. He didn’t like being responsible for things, especially not powerful things like this.

He pulled the umbrella out of his bag and held it by the gauntlet. Nothing happened. He opened the umbrella, closed it, nothing happened. With a labored sigh, he used the tip of the umbrella to edge the gauntlet off of the blackened hand. With that, he threw both magical objects into his bag and went back into the hall where the others were.

“Did you get it?” Magnus asked.

“Get what?”

Magnus stared at him. “The… the gauntlet.”

“Oh, yeah, for sure.”

Killian narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re not bothered by it at all?”

Taako shrugged. “Well, I mean, a little, I guess. Come on, let’s get out of here and Apparate back to the Ministry. This cave gives me the creeps. I want like a full spa-day for recovery from these vibes. I’m also charging the Department to have my robes dry cleaned. They got all muddy when Brian nearly killed me. We’ll get emotional damages payout for that, too, right?”

“I don’t… I don’t know….” Killian frowned at all of them. “Who are you guys, anyway?”

“Well, I was born in Godric’s Hollow,” Magnus said, “and —”

“No, no, we’re not doing that,” Taako interrupted.

“It’s a long walk out of this cave,” said Magnus. “We can all share —”

“Yeah, sure, Conjure me a pair of earplugs then, would you?”

Taako did not have to listen to Magnus’s life story as they made their way out of the cave, nor did he have to give his own in anyway. Killian was more interested in their jobs at the Ministry, and he let Magnus and Merle explain how they’d all been hired.

Taako had worked in the Department of Mysteries already, but he had never seen the Void Fish before. The Minister had personally escorted him and Merle to the room down in the dungeon, introduced them to each other, then introduced them to Magnus, who was already friends with the Void Fish, it seemed. That struck Taako as strange, since he hadn’t seen Magnus in the Department of Mysteries except for a few days earlier, passing in the elevator. 

But he and Merle had been told to drink some of the liquid from the Void Fish’s tank, and they had, and they’d remembered an entire war. Taako had been annoyed with the Minister for Magic for thinking she had any right to remove something like this from the memories of the entire Wizarding World, but he also knew she’d had good reason to. These last few years of peace had proven that what she’d done was necessary.

Then the Minister had asked them to help her find and destroy the relics that had caused the war. Taako had been hesitant until she’d told him the pay. He definitely wanted a raise. Before he’d started dating, he’d run his budget thin with his extravagant lifestyle. After he’d started dating, he was flat-out broke, and heading quickly towards debt. A pay raise would give him some room for fancier dates.

After this cave, though, Taako wasn’t sure the risks were worth it.

By the time they got back to the Ministry, it was well-past working hours. The Minister of Magic was waiting for them. She took them to another chamber in the Department of Mysteries that Taako had never seen before. A short gnomish-half-house-elfish looking man with a moustache took the gauntlet and placed it in a silver metal sphere.

The sphere was dropped into a glass chamber. There was a bright white light, and then, when the light had cleared, the sphere was removed and opened. There was nothing left inside. It seemed so easy after all the work they had done to get the damn thing.

Taako said goodbye to his co-workers and turned down offers for drinks and a late-night dinner. He didn’t want to spend any more time with these people than he had to.

“Oh — before I go,” he said to the Minister, as Merle and Magnus made their way out, “I found this too.” He pulled the umbrella from his bag and unwrapped it from the red fabric. “It’s not one of the relic things, is it? It sure packs a hell of an electric punch, though.”

“This?” She put her hand out like she might touch the umbrella, but stopped at the last moment. “No — it isn’t one of the relics.” Her face was eerily still as she asked, “Where did you find it?”

“In the cave with the gauntlet. Jacked it off of a skeleton. Didn’t look like he was using it for anything.” Taako put the umbrella and the red cloak back into his bag. 

“No, I suppose a skeleton wouldn’t need an umbrella.”

“That’s that then, I guess. See you Monday.”

“It’s only Wednesday —”

“Yeah, I almost died, so I’m taking a four-day weekend. Peace.” And before the Minister of Magic could protest, Taako left the chamber and headed for the center of the Department of Ministries. Instead of taking the door that led out, however, he picked the door that opened up into a dark chamber, empty except for a single arch in the middle, with a grey, fluttering curtain, despite the lack of breeze.

There was also a person packing up a briefcase at the bottom of the curved stairs that lead around the side of the room.

“You are still here,” Taako said, and grinned despite himself.

The man at the bottom of the stairs looked up, smiled back, and checked his pocket watch. “I thought you’d be back late. I decided I’d wait until midnight.”

“You didn’t have to. Are we there yet? Are we at the ‘waiting to get home from work’ stage?”

Kravitz shrugged. “I had a lot of paperwork to do. And there’s a lot we still don’t know about this archway. Lots of research —”

“Okay, let’s not talk about work. Let’s talk about literally anything but work.”

“Sure,” Kravitz said, and met Taako at the top of the stairs. “I imagine you’re pretty hungry.”

“Starving.”

“What are you in the mood for?”

Taako thought for a moment. “Tex-Mex.”

Kravitz laughed. “Tacos it is.”


End file.
